Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Bring me that man meat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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