my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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