turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
