Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
