Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
