im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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