Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
