Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
