She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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