That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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