I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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