Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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