god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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