Acid is not a monday night drug
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
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If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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