i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
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So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
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Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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