I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
