He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
