I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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