things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
