using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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