she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
