Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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