I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
