my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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