Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
