Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
