peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
