So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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