what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
