I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
