he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
What drink are we having for lunch?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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