my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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