Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
