Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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