can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
