I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
