hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the day after is always just damage control
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
