we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
