how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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