I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
