do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
