Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
