I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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