The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Randomize
