I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
