Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
