i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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