I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
