I didn't shave. On purpose
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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