thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
