He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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