If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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