whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
