Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dear god my vagina.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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