wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
