Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
