Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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