i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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