I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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